A day in the life of a madman.

Some days life fills me with questions instead of the usual fuck the world mind set. Today I can’t stop thinking of things from my past. Betrayals by people I truly trusted and loved.

I close my eyes and analyze my life.
My Job, my kids, the frustrations of my wife.
I had a passion that was turned into a career.
It slowly became a job, but now its mainly fear.
Failing at anything has never really sat well,
So I’ve created new goals, and I think its time to sell.
Move away from the gym and back into my other business,
I had a lot of fun with this little stint in the field of strength and fitness.
Made some great friends and bonds that I believe will last,
so why do I feel like this darkness simply will not pass?
Depression is a foe that I know all to well,
You think that that I’d get used to this black and lving hell.
I’m getting to the point that I just want to up and quit,
sick of being tired and tired of this shit.
I know that this thought process effects those around me
Yet I cant seem to shake it off and now my head is fucking pounding.
3:31 a.m. and I need to take a piss,
Another night of sleep has gone by all because of this.
I know tomorrow I will be exhausted and I just want this to stop,
but I cant fucking sleep and when I do the nightmares start.
The things that go through my mind I dont even want to type,
my life has been a struggle and I’m sick of the fight or flight.
People look in and say it really aint that bad,
You dont know what I go through, you can kiss my fucking ass.
My souls been beaten bloody and I have aches in all my joints,
When they call for the final round, It will be my hand, my weapon, and my hollow points.
7:30 a.m. and my alarms telling me to get up, time to start the day so shake off the sleepiness
Looking for another reason not to push through and hide this fucking weakness.

Looks like I might be selling one of my businesses. Kinda hope this works out. Looking to start tattooing at my shop again part time. Also looking to open another tattoo studio within the next year and possibly a third by 2014. Not holding my breath but these are my goals. 

I managed to pick up a car Saturday. I dont mean purchase I mean I literally picked up a car. Got the driver side front and rear tire off the ground on my own. Pretty proud of myself for that.

My weight is slowly climbing up. Getting close to my goal weight of 250. I have been bouncing up and down between 233-236 for the last 4 days. Really want to break the 240 mark.

I dont have a whole more to report life is life and though disappoint in some aspects thriving in others.  

Having a feeling of uncertainty lately. Questioning so many things in my life. The gym is starting to struggle financially which means one of two things is going to have to happen. I am either going to have to close it down and eat my loss. Or go next door and pierce full time and start training in the morning again. 

I have to be honest I dont fucking want to do either of these things. I want to keep the gym open and be able to keep training at night. I am getting better results now then before. However life doesnt always go the way you want it to. 

Going back next door means firing my piercer and close friend so that I can be there full time. It would also mean that I am tattooing part time again. Something else I dont really want to do. However the money is good and if it means not closing one of my businesses, then I guess I have man up.  

I know I have created a good life and have come a long fucking way to get where I am and yet I totally feel like fucking giving up on everything right now.